God Knows, He sees, and He Cares

I had a surreal experience at the lake today.

I finished running, and as I was headed to my car, I passed an elderly man sitting on a park bench. I suppose he had been watching me run because he commented that he wished he had as much energy as I do. I thanked him, as he extended his hand to introduce himself. When I shook his hand I could tell he was lonely, so I paused for a minute to talk, to show a little kindness to an elder. With tears in his eyes, he turned my hand over, pointed to my palm, and said, “Right here, you have the power to either show kindness or to close your hand to it. By extending your hand to me today, you chose to show kindness, and when you smiled, I saw God’s goodness radiate from you, like the sun in the sky. Thank you!”

Then he asked if I lived in the area; I answered, 'yes sir, for another week, then I'll be moving to MS.' He asked why I was moving. I explained that I'd experienced a divorce the previous year, and I wanted to move back home to be with family. With tears welling up in his eyes again, he asked me to “sit down beside this old man, and let me talk to you a minute.” As I sat there holding his hand, tears streaming down his face, he told me his story. He explained how his infidelity destroyed both his marriages; then he lamented, “You’d think I’d learned my lesson the first time around. But, I didn't. I was a fool. Now, I'm old and alone. And I've never experienced real love.”

I didn't offer any details of my divorce experience and he didn't ask.

As I started to leave, he reached for my hand again and said, “Young lady, you're a very special person. You're beautiful, intelligent, and you radiated God’s goodness. You have so much to offer, don't sell yourself short, don't settle. God has a great future in store for you.” Then he said, “Thank you for being so kind to this old man today. Heaven has smiled upon me, for this is as close as I've ever been to an angel.”

And I went home, with tears streaming down my face...
Because, I feel that God was using this elderly man to let me know...He knows, He sees, and He cares! I matter to Him.

Psalms 56:8 “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”

White Bears and the Pursuit of Happiness

This past year, I've been so focused on trying to be happy...trying to appear happy for others, trying to be happy about my circumstances, (because, at least they're not as bad as others)...just trying to convince myself to be happy. And then, I would feel guilty when I could not think myself into happiness; when I couldn’t pray hard enough, believe hard enough, or quote enough scriptures, to make myself happy. I felt like a failure; like I had let God, myself, and everyone else in my life down.

I tell you, it's exhausting!!!

Then, several weeks ago, I listened to a sermon by Pastor Ron Macey. He said, “We don't have to always be happy with our circumstances, happiness is dependent upon the external. But, we can have joy regardless of our circumstances, because joy is internal, it comes from The Lord. And, as long as we have joy, we'll have the strength to go on, until we are happy again.”

A few days later, I was talking to Bro Stephen Collins, and I told him, “I'm going to be ok.” And he replayed “yes, you will be. But, it's ok not to be ok.” And, as simple as that statement was, it was very liberating for me. 

I realized, it's foolish to try to force myself to be happy, when life as I know it has been reduced to sand; when I, as I know myself, have been reduced to ashes. 

I stopped trying to pretend to be happy. I stopped trying to convince myself that I was ok. I realized that I was expending so much energy on trying to be happy, that I had lost my joy. And we know, the joy of The Lord is our strength (Nehemiah 8:10). So, I surrendered my pursuit of happiness to God, and I started praying that He would restore to me the joy of His salvation (Psalms 51:12). And, I started growing stronger.

It wasn't until I stopped trying to 'not think about white bears,' that I stopped thinking about them.

http://www.wjh.harvard.edu/~wegner/pdfs/Wegner,Schneider,Carter,&White%201987.pdf

This was not a new revelation to me; but sometimes, in the throes of a dark storm, you lose your way, you lose sight. Sometimes, you have to be redirected to the landmarks, to the lighthouse on the shore. Sometimes you just have to be reminded: “You don't have to be happy. You don't have to be ok.” As long as you have joy, joy that can only come from God, you'll have the strength to keep going on, until you are happy again, until you really are ok. 

Lonliness

Lonely...a very desolate place. 

Even if you don't allow 'lonely' to make you do stupid things, it can still cause you to have stupid thoughts.  And, loneliness has been my companion tonight...

It’s not that I long for what’s been, but I yearn for what I've never had.

And my despair took me to the place that I always go in times like these, to the arms of God.  As I pleaded with Him to take my loneliness away, it occurred to me that...He won’t; it’s not His will.  Just like He didn't take my grief away, because He wanted me to grow through it; this cross, I must also bear.  Although, at this point I cannot see clearly because of this fog of loneliness that has encompassed me, I know that as it lifts, I will see God’s purpose for allowing me to walk through this desolate valley. 

So for now, I’ll just trust God, and be content with where I am.

Jonah 2:2 " In my distress I called unto the Lord, and He answered me.  From the depths of the grave I called for help, and He listened to my cry."

Good Grief!

Grief... at some point, we will all experience it.
In the 1960s Elisabeth Kübler-Ross conducted research on the process grief and death; in 1969 she published her findings in the book “On Death and Dying.” Since her publication, others have researched the processes of grief, with the same, or similar, conclusions. Kübler-Ross found that, typically, an individual will experience five emotional states during the grieving process: denial, bargaining, depression, anger, and acceptance. The order in which these emotions are experienced varies with the individual, and many times a person will experience more than one emotional state at the same time.

I've had a lifetime of losses, thus, am personally acquainted with grief; however, none of my past experiences fully prepared me for the loss and grief I've faced this past year.

Funny, two months after life as I knew it came to an end, an individual informed me, that because I have a degree in psychology, I should be able to simply get over it and move on. (Clearly, this individual is ignorant and is void of empathy.) For you see, no person, regardless of their level of education, is capable of simply shaking it off and moving on, after suffering such a devastating loss. This is both unhealthy and unrealistic. In fact, the ACA Code of Ethics (section C.2.g) recognizes the effects of emotional distress on a counselor’s ability to successfully function; thus, the ACA recommends that a counselor receive counseling and/or take a leave of absence, until the distress is no longer an impairment. Unfortunately, no human is immune from grief; if you are capable of loving, you will experience grief.

For me, having a greater understanding of the psychology involved in the process of grief has been rather frustrating. It’s been very difficult, knowing why and what I’m experiencing, yet feeling powerless, as I am driven from emotion to emotion. It is, in many ways, like a roller-coaster ride. Once you’re on, there’s no getting off; you just have to hold on till it’s over. And, I am a witness, it’s easier to explain to someone else about the processes of coping and healing; it’s much more difficult to live it yourself.

But, I can confirm, all the coping strategies do work...with time. And, I have found that the most effective coping strategy is prayer. Admittedly, I've spent many hours pleading with God to take this grief away; He didn't. What He did do was walk with me through it. But, He never promised we’d be immune from grief; He did promise He would walk with us as we experienced it. Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is near the broken-hearted; he is the Savior of those whose spirits are crushed down.”

The Revelation
A few weeks ago I learned about an elderly man who had lost his wife, of nearly to 60 years; naturally, he is experiencing grief. With my own pain still fresh in my spirit, I felt deep empathy for this elderly man; I began praying for him. One morning as I prayed for him, I asked God to take away his grief.

And...God opened my understanding to this process called grief.

Although each of us navigates grief differently, we all experience the same emotions. Clearly, if it’s a universal experience, it is a process set in our psyches by God; He has a purpose for allowing us to go through it. If He simply takes it from us, then we are cheated; we miss out on His purpose. With this new insight, I quickly began to review how I've processed my own grief, in an attempt to discover what I've gained from it.

I thought about each stage. Of course, it started with denial...why, it was absolutely hilarious to me in the beginning. And then the bargaining began. But, as acceptance set in, the denial and the bargaining began to fade. With acceptance, I was reminded that there are some things which are simply out of my control; I learned to trust God more. I may not like it, I may not understand why, but I just trust that He is working all things for my good (Romans 8:28). I trust that what my enemy meant for evil, God will turn it around and make something good from it (Genesis 50:20).

However, acceptance does not always resolve depression or anger. None the less, I worked through depression rather easily; I've dealt with it before. I simply began to focus on the positive things which still exist in my world; like my precious sons and family, my church family, my home, and my loyal companion, Daisy. I've developed a deeper appreciation for the simple things in life, and I've discovered a new sense of self and a place of serenity. 

But, my new friend anger? Well, she still likes to visit me regularly. And, I wondered why I seem to be stuck with her...and then it occurred to me... it's because she offers me the most opportunity for growth. For you see, I've never given her a proper place in my life. She has always been repressed, “for the greater cause.” But, as I have embraced her, she is teaching me many valuable lessons...like how to be more assertive, how to stand for myself, and how to protect my personal boundaries of respect. Admittedly, I still require a lot of growth in these areas, and I am still learning how to keep little miss anger in check. But, I have learned that anger is not my enemy, she is my friend. 

Good Grief...
If I could tell you anything at all about coping with grief...don't fight it, don’t try to repress it, just embrace it. Learn from it before attempting to move on; it is an opportunity for growth. The roller-coaster ride is better when you’re more flexible... just relax, bend with it, and hang on for the ride.

Psalm 10:14 NIV
But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless.

Lamentations 3:32-33 NIV
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love....For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.

Isaiah 53:3 KJV
He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

Luke 4:18 KJV
The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the broken hearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised...

What is Agape?

Monday, a couple of co-workers and I were discussing love.  I commented that there are three types of love: philia, eros, and agape. They asked me to explain; they'd never heard this concept. For the sake of time, I gave a simplistic definition of each, concluding that agape was the love God has for mankind. Since that conversation, I've been contemplating agape.

Sadly, in my crunch for time, I fear that I short-changed the importance of agape for marriage and family relationships. Because, although agape does encompass the love God has for his children, it is also an essential element for strong, healthy relationships. For you see, agape is what keeps a married man faithful to his wife in the face of temptation. It's also what causes a single mom to get up, work all day, and then come home and cook dinner for her children; even though she is sick with a fever, and needs to be resting in bed.  Agape is what keeps a couple happily married for over 50 years... for rich or for poor, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, till death do us part.

Philia, eros, and agape are all necessary for a healthy relationship, starting first with philia, then developing into agape, before allowing eros to emerge. Philia is brotherly love, it's what we feel for our friends, and to some degree, for all humanity. Philia is important; in Romans 12:10, Paul encourages the church to love each other with a brotherly love.  Eros is the physical attraction that is felt between a man and a woman; it is intimate love.  Unfortunately, too many couples allow eros to occur before agape is developed, resulting in broken lives and destroyed relationships. It is very important to wait until after both people are demonstrating agape before giving the gift of eros. But, what is agape?

Jesus is our perfect example of agape; "for, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). Interestingly, husbands are instructed to love their wives as "Christ loved the church and gave his life for it" (Romans 5:25). I stated earlier that agape is what keeps a man faithful to his wife in the face of temptation; but, ask a man whose infidelity has destroyed his marriage and devastated his children,"would you give up your life to save the life of this woman or your children, would you die in their place?" Ironically, that man will probably answer yes; however, does this willingness to die for the ones he betrayed mean he has agape for them? No; people give their lives for total strangers every day.  Acts of heroism are not always equivalent to selfless love. Agape does not necessarily mean physically dying for someone else; agape is dying to one's self daily, it is being a living sacrifice for those you love (Romans 12:1).  Clearly, if you cannot say no to behaviors you know will hurt your relationships, if you can't sacrifice you own selfish desires for the sake of those who love you, if you can't do what's best for those you claim to love, then you do not have agape.  It may be easier to physically die for someone else than it is to live for them.  Agape is selfless love.