What is Agape?

Monday, a couple of co-workers and I were discussing love.  I commented that there are three types of love: philia, eros, and agape. They asked me to explain; they'd never heard this concept. For the sake of time, I gave a simplistic definition of each, concluding that agape was the love God has for mankind. Since that conversation, I've been contemplating agape.

Sadly, in my crunch for time, I fear that I short-changed the importance of agape for marriage and family relationships. Because, although agape does encompass the love God has for his children, it is also an essential element for strong, healthy relationships. For you see, agape is what keeps a married man faithful to his wife in the face of temptation. It's also what causes a single mom to get up, work all day, and then come home and cook dinner for her children; even though she is sick with a fever, and needs to be resting in bed.  Agape is what keeps a couple happily married for over 50 years... for rich or for poor, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, till death do us part.

Philia, eros, and agape are all necessary for a healthy relationship, starting first with philia, then developing into agape, before allowing eros to emerge. Philia is brotherly love, it's what we feel for our friends, and to some degree, for all humanity. Philia is important; in Romans 12:10, Paul encourages the church to love each other with a brotherly love.  Eros is the physical attraction that is felt between a man and a woman; it is intimate love.  Unfortunately, too many couples allow eros to occur before agape is developed, resulting in broken lives and destroyed relationships. It is very important to wait until after both people are demonstrating agape before giving the gift of eros. But, what is agape?

Jesus is our perfect example of agape; "for, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). Interestingly, husbands are instructed to love their wives as "Christ loved the church and gave his life for it" (Romans 5:25). I stated earlier that agape is what keeps a man faithful to his wife in the face of temptation; but, ask a man whose infidelity has destroyed his marriage and devastated his children,"would you give up your life to save the life of this woman or your children, would you die in their place?" Ironically, that man will probably answer yes; however, does this willingness to die for the ones he betrayed mean he has agape for them? No; people give their lives for total strangers every day.  Acts of heroism are not always equivalent to selfless love. Agape does not necessarily mean physically dying for someone else; agape is dying to one's self daily, it is being a living sacrifice for those you love (Romans 12:1).  Clearly, if you cannot say no to behaviors you know will hurt your relationships, if you can't sacrifice you own selfish desires for the sake of those who love you, if you can't do what's best for those you claim to love, then you do not have agape.  It may be easier to physically die for someone else than it is to live for them.  Agape is selfless love.