Good Grief!

Grief... at some point, we will all experience it.
In the 1960s Elisabeth Kübler-Ross conducted research on the process grief and death; in 1969 she published her findings in the book “On Death and Dying.” Since her publication, others have researched the processes of grief, with the same, or similar, conclusions. Kübler-Ross found that, typically, an individual will experience five emotional states during the grieving process: denial, bargaining, depression, anger, and acceptance. The order in which these emotions are experienced varies with the individual, and many times a person will experience more than one emotional state at the same time.

I've had a lifetime of losses, thus, am personally acquainted with grief; however, none of my past experiences fully prepared me for the loss and grief I've faced this past year.

Funny, two months after life as I knew it came to an end, an individual informed me, that because I have a degree in psychology, I should be able to simply get over it and move on. (Clearly, this individual is ignorant and is void of empathy.) For you see, no person, regardless of their level of education, is capable of simply shaking it off and moving on, after suffering such a devastating loss. This is both unhealthy and unrealistic. In fact, the ACA Code of Ethics (section C.2.g) recognizes the effects of emotional distress on a counselor’s ability to successfully function; thus, the ACA recommends that a counselor receive counseling and/or take a leave of absence, until the distress is no longer an impairment. Unfortunately, no human is immune from grief; if you are capable of loving, you will experience grief.

For me, having a greater understanding of the psychology involved in the process of grief has been rather frustrating. It’s been very difficult, knowing why and what I’m experiencing, yet feeling powerless, as I am driven from emotion to emotion. It is, in many ways, like a roller-coaster ride. Once you’re on, there’s no getting off; you just have to hold on till it’s over. And, I am a witness, it’s easier to explain to someone else about the processes of coping and healing; it’s much more difficult to live it yourself.

But, I can confirm, all the coping strategies do work...with time. And, I have found that the most effective coping strategy is prayer. Admittedly, I've spent many hours pleading with God to take this grief away; He didn't. What He did do was walk with me through it. But, He never promised we’d be immune from grief; He did promise He would walk with us as we experienced it. Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is near the broken-hearted; he is the Savior of those whose spirits are crushed down.”

The Revelation
A few weeks ago I learned about an elderly man who had lost his wife, of nearly to 60 years; naturally, he is experiencing grief. With my own pain still fresh in my spirit, I felt deep empathy for this elderly man; I began praying for him. One morning as I prayed for him, I asked God to take away his grief.

And...God opened my understanding to this process called grief.

Although each of us navigates grief differently, we all experience the same emotions. Clearly, if it’s a universal experience, it is a process set in our psyches by God; He has a purpose for allowing us to go through it. If He simply takes it from us, then we are cheated; we miss out on His purpose. With this new insight, I quickly began to review how I've processed my own grief, in an attempt to discover what I've gained from it.

I thought about each stage. Of course, it started with denial...why, it was absolutely hilarious to me in the beginning. And then the bargaining began. But, as acceptance set in, the denial and the bargaining began to fade. With acceptance, I was reminded that there are some things which are simply out of my control; I learned to trust God more. I may not like it, I may not understand why, but I just trust that He is working all things for my good (Romans 8:28). I trust that what my enemy meant for evil, God will turn it around and make something good from it (Genesis 50:20).

However, acceptance does not always resolve depression or anger. None the less, I worked through depression rather easily; I've dealt with it before. I simply began to focus on the positive things which still exist in my world; like my precious sons and family, my church family, my home, and my loyal companion, Daisy. I've developed a deeper appreciation for the simple things in life, and I've discovered a new sense of self and a place of serenity. 

But, my new friend anger? Well, she still likes to visit me regularly. And, I wondered why I seem to be stuck with her...and then it occurred to me... it's because she offers me the most opportunity for growth. For you see, I've never given her a proper place in my life. She has always been repressed, “for the greater cause.” But, as I have embraced her, she is teaching me many valuable lessons...like how to be more assertive, how to stand for myself, and how to protect my personal boundaries of respect. Admittedly, I still require a lot of growth in these areas, and I am still learning how to keep little miss anger in check. But, I have learned that anger is not my enemy, she is my friend. 

Good Grief...
If I could tell you anything at all about coping with grief...don't fight it, don’t try to repress it, just embrace it. Learn from it before attempting to move on; it is an opportunity for growth. The roller-coaster ride is better when you’re more flexible... just relax, bend with it, and hang on for the ride.

Psalm 10:14 NIV
But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless.

Lamentations 3:32-33 NIV
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love....For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.

Isaiah 53:3 KJV
He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

Luke 4:18 KJV
The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the broken hearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised...